I don't like my body.

No, I don’t like my body.

I’m fat. Others (try to) take pride in this, I don’t. I could’ve done better than abusing my body and neglecting it out of glutton and laziness. I’m not shoving this on the faces of those who are just like me. This is just how I feel. There’s nothing to be proud about a body that limits me in so many facets.

No, I’m not into body shaming. However, I strongly believe in the power of true words. I can no longer tie my shoe laces nor clean my toes without feeling like I just did something so arduous. In the past, I could walk at a great distance but now doing so takes so much energy. I’m tied to my bed because moving so much is way too uncomfortable.

I don’t want to get used to this just so I would try to embrace a new bod. I would never embrace a body that kills my potential to its tiniest. I tried to jog for at least an hour sometime this past May but it only lasted for 5 pathetic days. Something happened that took my mornings and since I work from the afternoon and reach home shortly before midnight, I was left dead tired through the day.

I missed jogging. It took me loads of efforts to get up that particular week. My mornings were torn between getting up and staying in heaven once I hear the alarm ring. For a month, I stayed in my heavenly bed and hoped that my dream would stay awake the next day, but it didn’t until one crazy morning. I just got up, washed up, put my sporty clothing on and went off.

It was hard at first, hell; walking alone is already wearing me out. I had labored breathing and I felt like passing out.  I decided it’s best if I start on a slower pace. I expected I’d be exhausted when I reported to the office the same afternoon but what happened was just the exact opposite. That has been my most energetic day in three years! The succeeding days were a breeze. It made me feel alive once again.

It’s been months and I’m a bigger snowball now. Winter just doesn’t stop and I’m lifeless as always. I don’t like my body. I’m going to say it repeatedly because this is a problem and I need to acknowledge it. It’s just like an attitude, you don’t go bragging about how imperfect you are just because you feel that it’s who you are. That’s not what you are. That’s a part of you. No. That’s “THE” part of you that needs improving so don’t get so butt hurt when you hear unpleasant remarks. Alright, you cannot control how you feel so what you can do is not to take it against them. Focus on yourself. Focus.

I cannot buy new clothes because I’m waiting for the time when I’m happiest with my body. This way, I can use those clothes longer and I will have better options. I want to tell you more about the things I can no longer do but this is already turning into a novel so I have to make a conclusion now. Lol.

“We work out not because we hate our bodies; we work out because we love them” – this is the “mantra” of the zumba class I loved watching when I was jogging. It makes so much sense if you think about it. Self love is not always about acceptance. Self love must be tough love if you want to get better.

(A letter for my lazy self)