A letter of apology

To my future baby, I am writing to tell you I’m sorry.

I didn’t want to have you. 

Well I did, but just a few days ago, I was tuned in on this documentary and something hit me really hard. It got me feeling scared. I was so scared honey, I wondered if bringing you into this world would be a good idea, because right that very moment, I was convinced it’s absolutely not.

What kind of soul do I have for not wanting an angel from God? A lost soul, maybe? Because that’s the kind I have right now. I have dreamt of you even when I was little. I am just terrified that the world you’ll see is only a thin, cold, stale slice of bread when it used to be big, plenty and warm.

You see, your mama is very much into documentaries. It’s like a magnifying glass that allows you to see things on closer inspection. What’s funny is, I didn’t even appreciate social studies back in my schooling years. Somehow, it wedged a place in my heart and has crept on me as I grew older. I have seen things I can’t unsee no matter how I try; parts of the history teachings I didn’t pay attention to until that period repeated itself in front of my indisposed eyes. 

Week after week, wars breaking out here and there flooded the news. Effects of the stubborn global warming are no longer irregular items to the ears and eyes of the public. To some, these serve as warnings, to most: plain news and possible topic of gossip. Believe me, honey, I tried to act on it, I just didn’t have the guts to stand up for it. Mama is not proud of this; I hope you will forgive me for what I didn’t do…

 (Photos taken in Syria, these things are happening as I write)

It was so far away, but mama can hear some gunshots sometimes. I can see the trembling kids run feebly through the rubbles on hard times. I can taste the bitterness of salty tears pouring down the hollow cheeks of people who refused to be part of this one, big annihilation scheme. I can feel the fear buried deep inside the hearts of reluctant men forced to slay whoever poses as threats to their lives. I do honey, but sadly I am just an audience, all sorts of feelings I get when I think is nothing compared to what the people in the actual game feel. Things I will die for just for you to be spared from experiencing, let alone feeling.

I have seen you also, during those bright days when I become unreachable to the world. I have seen you so tiny and soft, pink and fragile, a part of myself, and a part of someone I deeply love. I can see joy in your father’s eyes as you tug his sleeve with your little scrawny hand.  I have seen you turn things around; I have seen you change the world for me, for us.

If only I can change the world for you, too. But, I can’t, I can’t do it alone.

You see mama wanted to make a change, I have tried to help the world age, for you to still see the things my eyes have laid on, for you to still experience what nature has been generously giving, for you to enjoy life being plain and simple as it was. But I’m afraid, no –terrified, that if you’re reading this it’s already too late.

A 33° c temperature ten years ago is different from the same 33° c temperature nowadays. I don’t have technical knowledge about these things but I know the feeling of basking under the sun when I was little. I remember dreading your grandmother’s scolding when I stay out while the sun is up and proud. Now I fear going out and it’s the kind of fear that doesn’t include your grandmother’s rage anymore. It’s because the heat is simply unbearable.

And how can I tell you this honey, I don’t know how without guilt crawling under my skin... We took the world and lived in it as if everything is at our disposal. We have thought about you, too. But maybe we’re not wise or caring enough to think while we devour everything we thought is everlasting. 

According to the documentary, if nothing changes with the way we consume things; by 2025 our supply of potable water is already a major problem, at least here in the Philippines. What year is it now? This crisis has already tried Sao Paolo, Brazil earlier this first quarter - A land known for its abundance of natural riches. Listen, Mama used to hear that our country was just as gifted when it comes to natural sources, too. I don’t see much of them now, I feel no scarcity but I haven’t heard the word “lavishness” of anything natural and valuable for quite a while now. I wonder what it’s like in your time.

Are there still strong trees to climb on? Or can you breathe clean air? (I can’t use fresh anymore; it’s a luxury right now) Will you be able to enjoy the beach on summer? Will you be able to see a cloudy sky? Will you thank Mama for bringing you out? Will you be able to survive... 

If you are reading this, you are probably surviving, and I hope, you are well and healthy. I hope things have changed, for the better and I hope it won’t stop turning for what’s good. 

I am sorry, sincerely, for not thinking about you or the Earth –our only home in this vast, intimidating universe. I am sorry if I have thought of not having you at all. I want you, I love you and I think some people will, too. I will bring you out in this world as a gift to mankind; I will bring you to tell everyone I have hope that we can still do something out of selfishness. I want you, and I know that you’ll be wiser and stronger. I will bring you here, because you deserve this life as much as we all do. 

I will have you, because I love you.

And to the future kids: We’re sorry, I hope that you’ll find it in your heart - the forgiveness we didn’t deserved so much to have. We have faith in you, saving our home takes more than just a generation, but efforts count big. We have tried and we still try, if others will not, it doesn’t mean that you should not.

In your journey, don’t forget the future ones too. You wouldn’t want to write a letter like this.
 

Trust me; it WILL get worse if you won’t listen. You might not have anyone to send letters to if we don’t act while we can.

S.O.S

Leave me anywhere but with my own thoughts.

I fear those most of all the scorning ghosts.

Let me part with myself, away from my own hosts

I’d rather them dance in smoke, far off the coast

Leave me not; I can’t swim past my own fears,

Say goodnight, Let your voice rule my dreams,

Tell me stories of footsteps lost in streams,

Or of that night you let me shed your tears.

Books and friends - heroes of the daylight,

Music has built me a wall so I’m alright

I need a soul next to me in this long flight

May my thoughts abandon my bed tonight

The escape is sweet in the dawn’s mist

And the thoughts are locked in my own lips

My tongue, sometimes tastes of abyss

Let me taste at least a droplet of bliss

Haunting, as the day fades into evening

My thoughts are here, big and taunting

My mind is in desperate need of clearing

I want to reach what’s next to nothing.

Trivia

This day is a very relaxing one. Therefore, I will try to make a light entry. Just some trivia you don’t really care about. Haha.
 1.       My favorite thing in the world is eating.
 2.       I think about food every ten minutes.
 3.       I eat, maybe, at least 8 times a day.
 4.       I don’t like meat without fats.
 5.       My idea of a snack is rice. With viand. And soup.
 6.       I do eat vegetables. Potatoes and cauliflower. Those are vegetables right?
 7.       My idea of multitasking is doing tasks while eating.
 8.       I eat while walking, watching TV, listening to music, surfing the net, cooking, etc.
 9.       I love seafood!
 10.   Especially crabs and shrimps. ( Prawns aren’t as tasty as shrimps, trust me)
 11.   My favorite snack is Crispy pata.
 12.   I am forever a child for loving fried chicken eternally.
 13.   I eat meals after meals.
 14.   I am always excited about food.
 15.   I eat when I’m sad.
 16.   Also when I’m happy.
 17.   And when I’m bored, when sleepy.
 18.   Okay!!! The mood doesn’t really matter.
 19.   I hoard chicharon in my room.
 20.   I don’t like sweets.
 21.   Except for Ice cream.
 22.   And cakes.
 23.   Well, I am not crazy about chocolates. A sparse amount’s already a delight(maybe the size of a sugar cube?) more than that is enough to make me generous. I’ll surely share.
 24.   I cannot eat an entire chocolate cookie. A bite makes me shiver.
 25.   I don’t have health issues about sweets.
 26.   But I also cannot eat a regular sized doughnut.
 27.   I don’t like breads.
 28.   I love hamburgers though, when the bread is hardly noticeable.
 29.   I like pizza, but I’m not crazy about it. (Bread, remember?) One slice will do.
 30.   I’m not a fan of cheese.
 31.   Noodles is love, noodles is life.
 32.   I love jellies and marshmallows.
 33.   I love salty food.
 34.   And sour food. 
 35.  I can't resist food.

Now, this is more of a guide on what to feed me. And how to make me happy :3 Lol.

Hmm. What else...

36. I also love sleeping. I sleep late at night, early in the morning, and late in the afternoon.
37. I love dogs. We have three right now.
38. I HATE CATS.
39. Again, I hate cats. I have tons of reasons why.
40. But, uhm. I can imitate cat sounds really well.
40. I am very clumsy.
41. I am antisocial.
42. I love Christmas songs.
43. I have killed so many spiders in the past six months. (I need to take my shower to be able to work and survive this life)

There are three things I can do so well:

Over eat, over sleep and over think.

Trolololololo

It's okay.

A friend once told me, it's okay not to be okay. She wrote it maybe backed with the idea that I must have felt so rotten with how I was behaving those days.

And also, maybe she thought that guilt became my regular companion. This is owing to the fact that I have expected my friends to still love me while I kept them at bay; far from my thoughts and far from myself. While I was soaking myself in rivers of sorrow and disappointment, they did not detest my decision of becoming a lone wolf. I remained to have a strong pack ready to back me up anytime I needed one.

I have been so unfair because I was not okay. That's a stupid excuse but in all honesty that was the real case. I was pinned down being so blue. But then again my friend  said it's okay not to be okay. I think it made a difference.

I found self forgiveness.

(Thank you Isay!)

Another friend confessed that she's "not too happy" during those times I have been keeping to myself. I became totally distant I didn't even had the decency to drop the "because" word. Nevertheless, she said it didn't matter; because friendship is all about accepting differences and understanding how this works. When I came back, she was still there, with arms wide open. For me who is so undeserving.

(I miss you, Dee)

I think, the worst part of disappointing someone is disappointing yourself even more. You can kiss and make up with those who you love but dealing with your alpha inner self is a totally different story. Self-forgiveness doesn’t just fall like rainfalls. Sometimes, we don’t even feel like we need it. At times people have to tell us that it’s okay to suck. It’s okay not to be good enough, it’s okay to show weakness, it’s okay to be completely vulnerable. It’s not beautiful, it’s not the best, but yes, it’s okay. It’s okay because it happens. It happens to everybody, and like all things, it shall pass. It’s going to happen again, but it shall pass. And when all things pass, it’s you who remain, and your soul. So Don’t be too hard on yourself.

(Please keep this in mind, Ivic:))

It’s okay to feel like not yourself, nor look like your real self sometimes. It’s okay to be mad and get mad. It’s okay to need someone and to feel incomplete- just as long you won’t take it to a whole new different level.   It’s okay to feel tired. It’s okay to pause a little and cry…

I’m not going to tell you it will be alright because it’s okay.  Go easy on yourself because you’re going to bounce back. I guarantee it’s going to be higher. And if it doesn’t, remember that the ball bounces not just once, you just have to keep on dribbling. Someday, in God’s perfect time, it’s going to reach the hoop and the best part is…

You can do it over and over again.

To Ivic, and also to myself: I dare you to move.

On Peace (part 1)

Honesty is such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue... ♫♫♫

True.

But.

I wonder.

If the word "peace" shall also be personified, what word will be enough to describe its feeling? Lonely? I think not. That will be an understatement. I might be able to use all the dark adjectives from the dictionary but no word will fit the fragile, glass shoes.

Since time immemorial, people seem to find the word peace so confusing. Yet, deep down we understand what the word means for the plain reason that it can be felt. Unfortunately, so many people are mixing ideologies and religion with it they seem to forget that peace is peace. Peace is not the offspring of war. Peace shouldn't ignite a desire to exterminate the "different ones."

Peace is a form of love. Love should be kind and beautiful. Peace is what everybody deserves, No one has the right to take one from anybody. No one.

I have always wanted to write something about peace. With all this screaming violence and heart breaking stories of people dying everywhere, I feel like we should get involved in our little ways.

There are too many things to say, too many things to do. I want the world to take a moment and listen. But in all honesty, I don't know what to say exactly. But maybe, just maybe with this precious read I have found at http://zenpencils.com/ I can send a message. I hope to ignite a spark somewhere, somehow. Even in that little room in one person's heart.

Here: http://zenpencils.com/comic/100-carl-sagan-pale-blue-dot/

Truly, the world is such a tiny object in the universe and it's just amusing to think that people are shedding blood for power over something so pathetically diminutive.

Here's my favorite part. 

 I promise to write my own insights next time. ♥ 

Kintsukuroi

I discovered this gem from my favorite website wtffunfact.com maybe already a year ago. I have planned to write about it but…. You know. (Laziness, strike 1)

Now that I have been bitten by the writing bug once again, I decided to finally write about it. I have planned to take a picture of it from where I found the photo but it was so hard to locate now as numerous new posts have piled up. (Laziness, strike 2)

It was quite refreshing after all those girl posts I see on Facebook about being beautifully broken or being a beautiful disaster and all. It’s terrible until you see the (irrelevant) selfie that comes with it. You realize now that “terrible” is now an understatement. Personally, these posts ruin the value of messages, quotations, etc.

You are encouraged to tell yourself you are beautiful. Facebook = Yourself? Go back to first grade please.

Going back, I think that the philosophy beneath the art sure is worth reflecting. Pots may all look the same when they are produced. But when one gets broken and mended, it becomes a little more special, maybe a little more beautiful, too. Everything remade goes through being reborn. A stronger heart is a heart more capable of conquering.

*Note: I used “may all look the same” because I believe that no two things are impeccably similar. I also didn’t use the word “unique” because the word is conceptual and this will just make things complicated)

When you think about it, we normally lose a piece of ourselves as we go through life. The pieces wearing off start getting bigger and bigger one can wonder how we manage to keep on pedaling in spite of the worn out tires.

It’s uplifting to know that we are also acquiring skills to make up for what we no longer have. As we grow old, the pieces that we have are the ones we’ve decided to have along the way. Like a newly –modeled customized self, bolder self, and stronger self, this is what we have designed for ourselves.

Right now I feel like my ugliest (I hope so. I can’t get any uglier!!! grrr)

I feel rotten inside and out.

But one day I will be repaired and I will live with the philosophy of the kintsukuroi.

And don’t worry; I won’t post a selfie when that happens. Lol.

The sunrise therapy

Whenever you feel like something is missing in your life. Wait for a sunrise.

This is not figuratively speaking, there is something about sunrise that calms and appeases a tired heart. Or a tired mind, even a tired life. It soothes the soul and bathes it in a feeling of everything fresh.

For the longest time, the sunrise and I lived in separate worlds. I always wake up tired and it’s already that time of the day when the sun is so mad with its scorching rays ready to make any area a huge frying pan. That’s the sun just doing its job of course.

But I must say sunrise is something else, someone else. It makes you want to start anew; it makes you dream without waking up the cynical ghost in you. It makes you want the world; it makes you like your self.

I don’t know if it’s just me, but the sunrise is like a therapy. It happened the other day. I woke up a bit too early and got a glimpse of the earth from my room’s window. I got up and decided to have a closer look. I felt like this is what waking up really feels like. I haven’t been waking up for so long I have forgotten the feeling a new day is supposed to give.

I’m not sure what got into me, but in my head was a voice that said” This is what I’m missing.” Not that the sunrise can repaint my life of course, but it makes me want to repaint my life and play with paint while doing so.

I think sunrise is worth giving up scrolling up and down my tab at night. Worth giving up advancing new levels in games, worth being away from the world and veering closer to what’s inside.