Hiling

Sometime in the past decade, I have watched a 1998 Family fanteserye piece by Star Cinema. (I watched it years after it first graced the silver screen) This movie’s title is “Hiling.” (Wish) It touched the stagnant river in my mind and until now the water remains moving, very subtle but yes, moving.

The story is oddly simple but startlingly deep and loaded. It’s about a girl named “Ana” played by the then-so-adorable Camille Prats. She is an ordinary kid with an extraordinary height of sensitivity.  The young girl witnessed as her parents fought regularly. It made her so blue she started to ponder about happiness and human desire.

Her feelings were fuelled by what she saw in their busy streets too. (1990’s: Times when children frequented the streets during daylight and not past midnight) There seemed to be a plague infecting everyone in the community. Everybody cried for something and the girl took it that they, too, were just as miserable as her parents were.

In the depths of her heart a silent wish welled up. She hoped that everyone would have what they want to achieve happiness. On her birthday, she met a stranger who granted this wish. All she had to do was make them say their wishes as she touched them with her palm. Then voila, wish granted.

Ana's grandmother defending Ana from the the blames she was taking

Ana listens to Arnhell's( Ogie Diaz) wish to become a woman

Elwood (Paolo Contis) is troubled with women who hunted him day and night

Things completely transformed from then on. She was like a genie filling up the empty holes in her neighbours lives, or at least she thought before the neighborhood went both crazy and chaotic.

She soon discovered that giving people what they want doesn’t always make them happy. We all have that thinking don’t we? The world is too big a place yet it can never fill the endless desires of its inhabitants. I am confident that even if it can suffice, it will never guarantee us happiness. We are all conditioned to think that what we want is what will make us happy. But if you’ve lived long enough to receive so much from this world, you’d understand why it wouldn’t. At times, what we want can be deceiving and dangerous even if it seemed so good.

That is the first lesson I learned from the story. The second one is the most important for me, personally. It’s the part when the stranger, Gina Pareño told Ana this:

“Malaki kasi ang puso mo kaya madali kang masaktan.” (You have a big heart so you easily get hurt)

 

I think I am like that in a way. I am sensitive and the littlest of things worry me so it’s hard to be happy sometimes. I keep a nonchalant temperament to show that I am brave but every time I see homeless people ,I feel  terrible and I can’t help but feel so blessed; If I feel that my loved ones are in pain, my heart feels so heavy and more often than not it leaves me feeling so stressed out.

I am aching to see people happy, too; If only things are not that complicated.

Perhaps, we cannot be happy all the time. It’s impossible and it shouldn’t be. Life would lose its meaning. We will never grow and we will never come up with solutions to our problems. Being happy all the time is not being happy at all if you’d think about it.

We need failures, disappointments and rejection so our happiness will be at its sweetest. We need absence so we can appreciate presence. We need to stumble so we would learn to brave the road ahead.

We cannot be happy all the time. We cannot turn things around even if we try hard. We cannot always make people happy even if we mean well. Getting what we want doesn't promise a happy heart but understanding "why" will at least leave us less troubled.

I think if we are to keep this in mind, we can look at the dark times as if it’s just the dawn giving birth to the sunrise. This way, life may appear more flawed than ever but it gets a little more exciting and interesting.

Gone

The night has been so wrong

It felt so right for one good song

And as the melody played on

I think of happy days long gone

What was it like, under the light?

If there we stayed, is it alright?

Nobody said a word that night

We all just faded out of sight

Sealed in silence, wired in prayers

We made a vow never to part ways

I used to cling tightly to “Always”

But now it stops after the long chase

One step forward creates the past

Plain and simple, nothing lasts
when moments pass, they turn to dust 

at times I pray the longing stops

A letter of apology

To my future baby, I am writing to tell you I’m sorry.

I didn’t want to have you. 

Well I did, but just a few days ago, I was tuned in on this documentary and something hit me really hard. It got me feeling scared. I was so scared honey, I wondered if bringing you into this world would be a good idea, because right that very moment, I was convinced it’s absolutely not.

What kind of soul do I have for not wanting an angel from God? A lost soul, maybe? Because that’s the kind I have right now. I have dreamt of you even when I was little. I am just terrified that the world you’ll see is only a thin, cold, stale slice of bread when it used to be big, plenty and warm.

You see, your mama is very much into documentaries. It’s like a magnifying glass that allows you to see things on closer inspection. What’s funny is, I didn’t even appreciate social studies back in my schooling years. Somehow, it wedged a place in my heart and has crept on me as I grew older. I have seen things I can’t unsee no matter how I try; parts of the history teachings I didn’t pay attention to until that period repeated itself in front of my indisposed eyes. 

Week after week, wars breaking out here and there flooded the news. Effects of the stubborn global warming are no longer irregular items to the ears and eyes of the public. To some, these serve as warnings, to most: plain news and possible topic of gossip. Believe me, honey, I tried to act on it, I just didn’t have the guts to stand up for it. Mama is not proud of this; I hope you will forgive me for what I didn’t do…

 (Photos taken in Syria, these things are happening as I write)

It was so far away, but mama can hear some gunshots sometimes. I can see the trembling kids run feebly through the rubbles on hard times. I can taste the bitterness of salty tears pouring down the hollow cheeks of people who refused to be part of this one, big annihilation scheme. I can feel the fear buried deep inside the hearts of reluctant men forced to slay whoever poses as threats to their lives. I do honey, but sadly I am just an audience, all sorts of feelings I get when I think is nothing compared to what the people in the actual game feel. Things I will die for just for you to be spared from experiencing, let alone feeling.

I have seen you also, during those bright days when I become unreachable to the world. I have seen you so tiny and soft, pink and fragile, a part of myself, and a part of someone I deeply love. I can see joy in your father’s eyes as you tug his sleeve with your little scrawny hand.  I have seen you turn things around; I have seen you change the world for me, for us.

If only I can change the world for you, too. But, I can’t, I can’t do it alone.

You see mama wanted to make a change, I have tried to help the world age, for you to still see the things my eyes have laid on, for you to still experience what nature has been generously giving, for you to enjoy life being plain and simple as it was. But I’m afraid, no –terrified, that if you’re reading this it’s already too late.

A 33° c temperature ten years ago is different from the same 33° c temperature nowadays. I don’t have technical knowledge about these things but I know the feeling of basking under the sun when I was little. I remember dreading your grandmother’s scolding when I stay out while the sun is up and proud. Now I fear going out and it’s the kind of fear that doesn’t include your grandmother’s rage anymore. It’s because the heat is simply unbearable.

And how can I tell you this honey, I don’t know how without guilt crawling under my skin... We took the world and lived in it as if everything is at our disposal. We have thought about you, too. But maybe we’re not wise or caring enough to think while we devour everything we thought is everlasting. 

According to the documentary, if nothing changes with the way we consume things; by 2025 our supply of potable water is already a major problem, at least here in the Philippines. What year is it now? This crisis has already tried Sao Paolo, Brazil earlier this first quarter - A land known for its abundance of natural riches. Listen, Mama used to hear that our country was just as gifted when it comes to natural sources, too. I don’t see much of them now, I feel no scarcity but I haven’t heard the word “lavishness” of anything natural and valuable for quite a while now. I wonder what it’s like in your time.

Are there still strong trees to climb on? Or can you breathe clean air? (I can’t use fresh anymore; it’s a luxury right now) Will you be able to enjoy the beach on summer? Will you be able to see a cloudy sky? Will you thank Mama for bringing you out? Will you be able to survive... 

If you are reading this, you are probably surviving, and I hope, you are well and healthy. I hope things have changed, for the better and I hope it won’t stop turning for what’s good. 

I am sorry, sincerely, for not thinking about you or the Earth –our only home in this vast, intimidating universe. I am sorry if I have thought of not having you at all. I want you, I love you and I think some people will, too. I will bring you out in this world as a gift to mankind; I will bring you to tell everyone I have hope that we can still do something out of selfishness. I want you, and I know that you’ll be wiser and stronger. I will bring you here, because you deserve this life as much as we all do. 

I will have you, because I love you.

And to the future kids: We’re sorry, I hope that you’ll find it in your heart - the forgiveness we didn’t deserved so much to have. We have faith in you, saving our home takes more than just a generation, but efforts count big. We have tried and we still try, if others will not, it doesn’t mean that you should not.

In your journey, don’t forget the future ones too. You wouldn’t want to write a letter like this.
 

Trust me; it WILL get worse if you won’t listen. You might not have anyone to send letters to if we don’t act while we can.

S.O.S

Leave me anywhere but with my own thoughts.

I fear those most of all the scorning ghosts.

Let me part with myself, away from my own hosts

I’d rather them dance in smoke, far off the coast

Leave me not; I can’t swim past my own fears,

Say goodnight, Let your voice rule my dreams,

Tell me stories of footsteps lost in streams,

Or of that night you let me shed your tears.

Books and friends - heroes of the daylight,

Music has built me a wall so I’m alright

I need a soul next to me in this long flight

May my thoughts abandon my bed tonight

The escape is sweet in the dawn’s mist

And the thoughts are locked in my own lips

My tongue, sometimes tastes of abyss

Let me taste at least a droplet of bliss

Haunting, as the day fades into evening

My thoughts are here, big and taunting

My mind is in desperate need of clearing

I want to reach what’s next to nothing.

Trivia

This day is a very relaxing one. Therefore, I will try to make a light entry. Just some trivia you don’t really care about. Haha.
 1.       My favorite thing in the world is eating.
 2.       I think about food every ten minutes.
 3.       I eat, maybe, at least 8 times a day.
 4.       I don’t like meat without fats.
 5.       My idea of a snack is rice. With viand. And soup.
 6.       I do eat vegetables. Potatoes and cauliflower. Those are vegetables right?
 7.       My idea of multitasking is doing tasks while eating.
 8.       I eat while walking, watching TV, listening to music, surfing the net, cooking, etc.
 9.       I love seafood!
 10.   Especially crabs and shrimps. ( Prawns aren’t as tasty as shrimps, trust me)
 11.   My favorite snack is Crispy pata.
 12.   I am forever a child for loving fried chicken eternally.
 13.   I eat meals after meals.
 14.   I am always excited about food.
 15.   I eat when I’m sad.
 16.   Also when I’m happy.
 17.   And when I’m bored, when sleepy.
 18.   Okay!!! The mood doesn’t really matter.
 19.   I hoard chicharon in my room.
 20.   I don’t like sweets.
 21.   Except for Ice cream.
 22.   And cakes.
 23.   Well, I am not crazy about chocolates. A sparse amount’s already a delight(maybe the size of a sugar cube?) more than that is enough to make me generous. I’ll surely share.
 24.   I cannot eat an entire chocolate cookie. A bite makes me shiver.
 25.   I don’t have health issues about sweets.
 26.   But I also cannot eat a regular sized doughnut.
 27.   I don’t like breads.
 28.   I love hamburgers though, when the bread is hardly noticeable.
 29.   I like pizza, but I’m not crazy about it. (Bread, remember?) One slice will do.
 30.   I’m not a fan of cheese.
 31.   Noodles is love, noodles is life.
 32.   I love jellies and marshmallows.
 33.   I love salty food.
 34.   And sour food. 
 35.  I can't resist food.

Now, this is more of a guide on what to feed me. And how to make me happy :3 Lol.

Hmm. What else...

36. I also love sleeping. I sleep late at night, early in the morning, and late in the afternoon.
37. I love dogs. We have three right now.
38. I HATE CATS.
39. Again, I hate cats. I have tons of reasons why.
40. But, uhm. I can imitate cat sounds really well.
40. I am very clumsy.
41. I am antisocial.
42. I love Christmas songs.
43. I have killed so many spiders in the past six months. (I need to take my shower to be able to work and survive this life)

There are three things I can do so well:

Over eat, over sleep and over think.

Trolololololo

It's okay.

A friend once told me, it's okay not to be okay. She wrote it maybe backed with the idea that I must have felt so rotten with how I was behaving those days.

And also, maybe she thought that guilt became my regular companion. This is owing to the fact that I have expected my friends to still love me while I kept them at bay; far from my thoughts and far from myself. While I was soaking myself in rivers of sorrow and disappointment, they did not detest my decision of becoming a lone wolf. I remained to have a strong pack ready to back me up anytime I needed one.

I have been so unfair because I was not okay. That's a stupid excuse but in all honesty that was the real case. I was pinned down being so blue. But then again my friend  said it's okay not to be okay. I think it made a difference.

I found self forgiveness.

(Thank you Isay!)

Another friend confessed that she's "not too happy" during those times I have been keeping to myself. I became totally distant I didn't even had the decency to drop the "because" word. Nevertheless, she said it didn't matter; because friendship is all about accepting differences and understanding how this works. When I came back, she was still there, with arms wide open. For me who is so undeserving.

(I miss you, Dee)

I think, the worst part of disappointing someone is disappointing yourself even more. You can kiss and make up with those who you love but dealing with your alpha inner self is a totally different story. Self-forgiveness doesn’t just fall like rainfalls. Sometimes, we don’t even feel like we need it. At times people have to tell us that it’s okay to suck. It’s okay not to be good enough, it’s okay to show weakness, it’s okay to be completely vulnerable. It’s not beautiful, it’s not the best, but yes, it’s okay. It’s okay because it happens. It happens to everybody, and like all things, it shall pass. It’s going to happen again, but it shall pass. And when all things pass, it’s you who remain, and your soul. So Don’t be too hard on yourself.

(Please keep this in mind, Ivic:))

It’s okay to feel like not yourself, nor look like your real self sometimes. It’s okay to be mad and get mad. It’s okay to need someone and to feel incomplete- just as long you won’t take it to a whole new different level.   It’s okay to feel tired. It’s okay to pause a little and cry…

I’m not going to tell you it will be alright because it’s okay.  Go easy on yourself because you’re going to bounce back. I guarantee it’s going to be higher. And if it doesn’t, remember that the ball bounces not just once, you just have to keep on dribbling. Someday, in God’s perfect time, it’s going to reach the hoop and the best part is…

You can do it over and over again.

To Ivic, and also to myself: I dare you to move.

On Peace (part 1)

Honesty is such a lonely word, everyone is so untrue... ♫♫♫

True.

But.

I wonder.

If the word "peace" shall also be personified, what word will be enough to describe its feeling? Lonely? I think not. That will be an understatement. I might be able to use all the dark adjectives from the dictionary but no word will fit the fragile, glass shoes.

Since time immemorial, people seem to find the word peace so confusing. Yet, deep down we understand what the word means for the plain reason that it can be felt. Unfortunately, so many people are mixing ideologies and religion with it they seem to forget that peace is peace. Peace is not the offspring of war. Peace shouldn't ignite a desire to exterminate the "different ones."

Peace is a form of love. Love should be kind and beautiful. Peace is what everybody deserves, No one has the right to take one from anybody. No one.

I have always wanted to write something about peace. With all this screaming violence and heart breaking stories of people dying everywhere, I feel like we should get involved in our little ways.

There are too many things to say, too many things to do. I want the world to take a moment and listen. But in all honesty, I don't know what to say exactly. But maybe, just maybe with this precious read I have found at http://zenpencils.com/ I can send a message. I hope to ignite a spark somewhere, somehow. Even in that little room in one person's heart.

Here: http://zenpencils.com/comic/100-carl-sagan-pale-blue-dot/

Truly, the world is such a tiny object in the universe and it's just amusing to think that people are shedding blood for power over something so pathetically diminutive.

Here's my favorite part. 

 I promise to write my own insights next time. ♥