This is how I feel when I teach.
My throat hurts, my voice falters and the rhythm is
unstable. My chest feels hefty and I can’t breathe normally, sometimes I even
gasp for air.
When I stop slouching
and try to sit straight, my lower back hurts and while feeling all those
things, my lower half tingles and I feel so numb but pained at the same time.
I feel these and I tell just one kind of pain to my co-workers
when asked. I always have colds (allergies) and at least two times a week, I
get a whole day headache. My acidity problem has been persistent for years so
I’m used to chest and stomach pain. I’m still clueless as to what kind of
disease I truly have after suffering while peeing for how many years now. I
went to the doctor and did tests but still could not continue because, well, I
don’t earn enough to pay for all of that.
Whenever I say I’m in pain, people are not so alarmed
anymore and I don’t bother to tell them anyway. I’m sick of hearing it myself,
to be honest. Every day I feel weak, walking exhausts the crap out of me.
Sometimes, I think it’s because I gained weight. Perhaps true, but when I try
to eat less, I feel all those pain even more although “less-eating" for me
means a little more than enough food
intake for a day. Sometimes when I pray , I just ask for good health for
myself.
I am 24 years old and I feel like a 65 year old woman. I
wish I have more money so I can afford consistent visits to my doctor. I wish I
could afford a month of rest while on medication. I wish I could do things
again to be happy. I wish I could have a second chance and a better shot
in life. But I can’t start because I would need to work my arse MORE and
this will just lead to a poorer health condition (again)
Sigh. Has anybody seen the life manual? I’m kind of lost in
here.
