Pained

This is how I feel when I teach.

My throat hurts, my voice falters and the rhythm is unstable. My chest feels hefty and I can’t breathe normally, sometimes I even gasp for air.

 When I stop slouching and try to sit straight, my lower back hurts and while feeling all those things, my lower half tingles and I feel so numb but pained at the same time. 

I feel these and I tell just one kind of pain to my co-workers when asked. I always have colds (allergies) and at least two times a week, I get a whole day headache. My acidity problem has been persistent for years so I’m used to chest and stomach pain. I’m still clueless as to what kind of disease I truly have after suffering while peeing for how many years now. I went to the doctor and did tests but still could not continue because, well, I don’t earn enough to pay for all of that. 

Whenever I say I’m in pain, people are not so alarmed anymore and I don’t bother to tell them anyway. I’m sick of hearing it myself, to be honest. Every day I feel weak, walking exhausts the crap out of me. Sometimes, I think it’s because I gained weight. Perhaps true, but when I try to eat less, I feel all those pain even more although “less-eating" for me means  a little more than enough food intake for a day. Sometimes when I pray , I just ask for good health for myself. 

I am 24 years old and I feel like a 65 year old woman. I wish I have more money so I can afford consistent visits to my doctor. I wish I could afford a month of rest while on medication. I wish I could do things again to be happy. I wish I could have a second chance and a better shot in life. But I can’t start because I would need to work my arse MORE and this will just lead to a poorer health condition (again)

Sigh. Has anybody seen the life manual? I’m kind of lost in here.