To my constant

 Dearest Ivic,

Happy happy birthday! I have always wanted to write to you or to write something about you but for some reason, I keep putting it off. 

I mean, what is there to write, really? We haven’t really lost in touch and we’ve always been a part of each other’s life for as long as I can remember.

I don’t even recall how we started being friends. Just that you were Jho’s friend na laging tumatabi samin sa last row. You have been a constant presence in my life ever since. Not that I am complaining, of course^^

I remember you as this girl who wouldn’t take s*** from anybody. You were smart and cool and you would bring Krispy kreme plain donuts sa journ and make everybody happy.

I just love our late night talks about life, love, the IQ of pigs, the pain of crabs, and these days stories about your baby and my dog. 😁

I remember you when I hear Matchbox twenty's 'little wonders,' and Aslyn's 'That's when I love you.'

Then there's 'The alchemist' and some other books of Paulo Coelho.

And your lovelife... boy oh boy. Anyway, I loved being beside you on that roller coaster. Especially because you got Tobi in the end. 

For that, I am genuinely very happy for you. 

And although I feel like I've lost so much of myself, you are still there. Somehow, I feel like my desire to stay in your life helps me keep whatever's still good in me. 

I don't know how you manage to always check on me , like talagang consistent for about fifteen years now. Kahit yung reply natin mga days or weeks later. 😁

All of this to say that I'm happy you are a big part of my life. And that this day always means a lot to me. 

XOXO,

Judy ❤️

Random thoughts

Random Thoughts

Entry # 1

Just this afternoon, I heard a man sing James Ingram's Just Once and thought about Rachel and Ross's on-and-off relationship in F.R.I.E.N.D.S.



If you have seen and watched the entire series, there was a scene when they found out  Chandler Bing can't cry. They made several attempts to see his eyes well up to the point Monica made him picture his life with her until she dies. A sad portrait to imagine I know, but nope, Chandler is just not one to cry.

Before the episode ended though, he finally teared up. What caused the waterwork? It was the realization Rachel and Ross can't seem to make their relationship work despite the fact that they love each other.

I know it's just a show but stories like this make me sad in some way. Even as an outsider, it's painful to watch people part ways after witnessing them survive many storms together. And in the end, all those efforts for what? All for nothing.

But can we really say it's all for nothing though? Sometimes I prefer to look at life as a journey of owning and winning moments. I mean, there is only one end after all - death. So in between, all we have are moments. Spending thousands of meaningful days with someone only to part ways in the end... Is it really so bad? I 'd like to think the end does not erase the process nor the journey. So we should live in moments, I mean really live in the moment.

I think we should be allowed to fight for the things we hold dear in our hearts at least once in our life... no matter how foolish, no matter how futile.

But we should also learn to forgive ourselves when things don't work out. We often forget this part.

I mean we often think about what could've been or what might have made the difference. We beat ourselves hard for losing relationships, - both romantic ones and precious friendships. Then we feel bad and dwell on the tail part. The end part where the pain stings so bad. And suddenly, we think of the time shared together as just, well, a waste of time, For some people, they even say like they've been robbed of precious years in their lives.

I think it's sad to think that way.  I think all relationships must have happy and sad boxes. No matter how happy or sad the ending is, the happy moments must stay in the happy box, the same goes for the unpleasant ones. You both made and earned them. They have to stay where they are.

And maybe by doing so, we cannot say that a relationship has failed.
Or even say a  sadder one like "love has failed"
We can just say the relationship has ended.

And I think it wouldn't be so bad for things to end when you have saved things in your happy boxes. It would be sad yes, but was your time really wasted? Maybe not.

I think I've been meandering with my thoughts for a while here but what I want to say is that we can always take something from a relationship no matter how good or bad it ended.

And to end this random thought post; here's the lyric video of the song that would also remind you of Rachel and Ross if you've watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fensuxqf0oM

I stopped being good

I stopped being good.

You know, like, it just dawned on me one day that...that I still have nothing to my name after finishing school.

I'd often say my skills have all gone rusty. Sigh. It is only now that those words have ceased to hold an exaggerated meaning. It is for real. In fact, It was painfully hard to muster what little motivation I have to finally start writing.

 I am morphing into something unpleasant,unbecoming, un-Judy. Something drags me farther and farther away from my self. Writing this is my way of weaving a sturdy rope I can cling to so I won't go past the bottom. Beyond it lies nothingness that awaits those who turn themselves in.Those who meander along  boundless rivers  like myself.

You see, my happy jar still has something glowing in it. In the past, this cylindrical (figment of imagination) container used to shimmer with pixie dusts as though some fairies  have spun in joy inside it. But as long as it's not empty I'm keeping the positivity in the p section of my customized life dictionary.That's the spirit huh.

 I still get a lot of happy and bright days as a matter of fact. What I want is something that'll make me wanna jump out of bed every morning. There ought to be something beautiful on the other side of the exit sign past the dreamland.There must be.

 The feeling when you're sliding  in a long dark and twisted waterslide; You're thrilled cause there's gonna be a big bang along with a splash at the end of it. I want something like that.I've been obsessed with sleeping for so long nothing comes above it. (Except a few things like going home to see my niece and having conversations with some loved ones)

I'd wake up and calculate. How much sleep do I get for this day? When can I take nap? How long will the nap be? If I do this and that, what should I sacrifice so as not to decrease my sleeping time? The list with "sleep" in it goes on and on.

You see I have stopped wanting being with people,except for family. I realized it is possible to have a kind of love like this. A terrible kind of love people would be reluctant to take. But what can I do? I'm in an impasse and the tiny voices in my head have thwarted whatever desire I should have to be social...

Or to be a good friend at least.

I should have saved at least a couple of bucks by now, too. This, my bad health condition and all sorts of "I haven't" thoughts race through my head every time I have nothing but the patient walls with me.

I stopped being good in everything, except in overthinking which is still bad when you think about it.

Writing 10 minute poems used to be a doddle. Now my word bank has gone bankrupt. I can’t even think of words I need to use in vernacular. I realized that knowledge has some sort of expiration date. “If unused, will expire on a blah blah ” as written on goods we buy and consume.

I have nothing more to say except maybe I’m sorry for not being good. Most especially to myself, cause I don’t feel as sorry as I should be.

So long, Kiddos...

Hi there, my online journal. I’m here to tell you I’m wonderfully unhappy. I’m re-reading all my students’ letters and I feel so sad but at the same time… loved.

Tomorrow will be the last day of my one-weak streak of goodbyes to all my students. I don’t know why I got so attached; all we had are but online classes. Would you believe me if I say, they were the ones who kept me glued to my office station for two years? I mean I love my colleagues but there’s something about leaving young souls that can tear even a stone-cold heart apart.

The most cheerful students of mine cried before me and all I could manage to do was smile and assure them they’re going to have a nice teacher. I’m very worried about the kids who need to be handled with extra effort and patience. I’m worried about the kids who might go back to being their old non-speaking, shy and timid selves. I’m worried about one student who challenged me to make her smile after half a year of hiding it. I’m worried for those who have been with me since I started teaching. I’m worried about the grannies whose words sometimes are very hard to comprehend.

I am happy to have known all of them, to have spent my time every single day igniting fires in their heads and hearts. I will surely miss the daily bloopers and each and every moment, the good and the bad we all had together. It pains me to think that I had to make a decision that involves the welfare of kids but I also have faith that they’ll be fine under the wings of their new teachers who are also my friends. That the moment is what gives me comfort.

I’ve been feeling really lonely lately. I mean, how do you let go of kids? How do you move on from kids?

Pained

This is how I feel when I teach.

My throat hurts, my voice falters and the rhythm is unstable. My chest feels hefty and I can’t breathe normally, sometimes I even gasp for air.

 When I stop slouching and try to sit straight, my lower back hurts and while feeling all those things, my lower half tingles and I feel so numb but pained at the same time. 

I feel these and I tell just one kind of pain to my co-workers when asked. I always have colds (allergies) and at least two times a week, I get a whole day headache. My acidity problem has been persistent for years so I’m used to chest and stomach pain. I’m still clueless as to what kind of disease I truly have after suffering while peeing for how many years now. I went to the doctor and did tests but still could not continue because, well, I don’t earn enough to pay for all of that. 

Whenever I say I’m in pain, people are not so alarmed anymore and I don’t bother to tell them anyway. I’m sick of hearing it myself, to be honest. Every day I feel weak, walking exhausts the crap out of me. Sometimes, I think it’s because I gained weight. Perhaps true, but when I try to eat less, I feel all those pain even more although “less-eating" for me means  a little more than enough food intake for a day. Sometimes when I pray , I just ask for good health for myself. 

I am 24 years old and I feel like a 65 year old woman. I wish I have more money so I can afford consistent visits to my doctor. I wish I could afford a month of rest while on medication. I wish I could do things again to be happy. I wish I could have a second chance and a better shot in life. But I can’t start because I would need to work my arse MORE and this will just lead to a poorer health condition (again)

Sigh. Has anybody seen the life manual? I’m kind of lost in here.

I am a teacher and I am fine.

I think I will never understand how a nation, who values education, can just look down on its educators.

Each time someone asks me what I do for a living, I give them “I’m an English instructor” as a reply. To which they respond” Ah, teacher” and drops off the topic right away, casually. At first it still got me perplexed. Later on I realized what this profession’s like in the eyes of most Filipinos nowadays: Pathetic.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling exactly. So I’ll just borrow my friend’s exact words when she, too, was asked about her bread and butter:

 

”PARA. AKONG. PROSTITUTE.” 

Too much, you say? Well, to a lot of people, that is our estimation. I don’t even have to write this, most parents are not pleased to hear “teacher” when their kids are asked about their ambition. I understand where they’re coming from. What I don’t understand is how being an educator sank down to a sea-bottom level in the eyes of both the believers and non-believers of edification. How bad is our calling, really?

There are those times when people try, to be uh… a little nicer? So when I tell them about my craft they go “ Why don’t you apply to this or to that blah blah blah as if to save me from a wretched situation. I appreciate the concern if they meant well, but honestly, there’s no need for that proposition. Like really, that’s an unnecessary comment.

 In other countries, teachers are highly regarded . They are revered and greatly appreciated. I understand that respect is earned so we can’t just ask people to look up on us. Maybe, I don’t even ask for recognition, honor or gratitude. But perhaps, you should stop feeling bad for us and making us feel like pathetic heroes or something. We are not. Teaching is a highly rewarding job. Perhaps not always (never?) monetary recompensing but we get something more from it not everyone can understand. If ever we are suffering, it’s part of our job just like all other professions. 

Once, I had this conversation with my Korean student. He told me about the situation of educators in his country when I shared my observation about how lots of (Korean) kids dream of being teachers when they grow up. He quipped “Of course, teachers are highly respected (there).” Apparently, students see the former’s values in being in-charge of the dissemination of knowledge that they are. He even added that they get paid handsomely because their job is deemed as something of very high value. 

Your move, Philippines. Can you also say the same for your educators? I am not trying to mock you. Feel free to take this as a challenge.

I get it though. I get that the government can only do so much for us so we will suck it all up until we can. But the people, YOU guys can do as a favor. Please please, stop looking down on us, your educators. We don’t ask that you put us up the pedestal; but I ask that you stop making us feel "Para. Akong, Prostitute.” time and again.

This has got to stop. Seriously.

Times of your life

Good morning, yesterday
You wake up and time has slipped away
And suddenly it's hard to find
The memories you left behind
Remember, do you remember

The laughter and the tears
The shadows of misty yesteryears
The good times and the bad you've seen
And all the others in between
Remember, do you remember
The times of your life (do you remember)

Reach back for the joy and the sorrow
Put them away in your mind
The mem'ries are time that you borrow
To spend when you get to tomorrow

Here comes the saddest part (comes the saddest part)
The seasons are passing one by one
So gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
Remember, will you remember
The times of your life

Gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
Remember, will you remember
The times of your life
Of your life
Of your life

Do you remember, baby
Do you remember the times of your life
Do you remember, baby
Do you remember the times of your life

One day you will wake up to find that:  Life is, after all, the fastest runner of them all. It’s either someone has just tied the knot, or someone has just perished the other night. News like those two are rampant these days as if to remind us how old we’re getting each nap we take. Each time something strikes a chord, I can’t help but hear this Paul Anka’s masterpiece in my head. Not that it helps me feel better or something to that effect, honestly. I am just amazed by how Anka’s voice bequeathed life to the words of Bill Lane and Roger Nichols in such an exceptionally beautiful way. After all... like this song, life is so beautiful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCnlU-92sn4