When I first saw you there lying in peace, I thought you
looked beautiful - more beautiful than you’ve been in the past few months. However,
I still prefer the latter because in spite of your tiny frame and feeble body,
you had a smile in your face.
You had a voice.
You had life.
That very moment I was reminded of our last conversation,
the first thing you said when you saw me was that “You look beautiful. “ ( Ang
ganda mo). You told me I look better now that I’ve gained weight. You said you
didn’t like how I was when I lost so much weight. I understood what it meant to
you, I knew that we were not just talking about me. We were talking about you
and how you’ve changed after getting sick. You were happy for me looking healthy,
because you know what it’s like on the other side…
You reminded me to take vitamins and to avoid abusing my body. You
asked me to take care of myself but I didn’t get that those were already your
farewell words. I wanted to hug you before I made for the door, I glanced back
at you one last time and thought of visiting your place again some time before
Christmas.
And visiting you, I did; before Christmas day as planned. And I saw you, but you didn’t…and you never
will anymore.
When I learned about your exit, I was on the office and I
made some intentional occasional trips to the restroom to vent out. I knew how
terrible things already were but like everything else, I was not prepared for
this. I am just relieved with the fact
that we made our subtle farewells before you left for heaven. I want to tell
you that just like the hundreds of people who love you, I will surely miss you.
My most unforgettable moment with you was when we had a
sleepover in your place. There were three of us but when you joined in I think I
spent more time talking with you than I did, them. You had so much life and
enthusiasm, you were genuinely interested with my stories and you even ask me
to get you as a godmother when I get married someday. What am I gonna do now Ma’am?
Once, I went to your house quite late and you informed me
that Jho (her daughter, my bestfriend) was not around. I stayed for a while to help
you with the decorations for your classroom. We talked about things and you
told me how my friends felt when I become distant. You told me never to let
myself get hurt in a relationship as much as I can. You told me not to let go
of the upper hand, you reminded me to take care of all that relationships
that I have. That talk didn’t feel awkward. If anything it made me feel loved,
it made me feel like I’m being cared for.
Each time someone’s head will pop on your door, you will
brag about us ( daughter’s friends) being good and smart and all the things a
mother usually boasts about her own child. If I wanted to redeem my self-esteem all I have
to do is pay a visit actually. In your side, I actually mattered; I know the
others will say the same too. I liked myself those times I was with you. Now who’s
going to do that for me…
All these flattery is nothing when it comes to you boasting
about Joan when she’s not around. I have witnessed it; you were brimming with
pride when talking about your children. If I were you I’d feel the same because
you have raised them really well. They say no family is all-sunshine, I’d like
to make yours an exemption. You have weathered so many storms but you chose to dance
with its thunderbolts instead. I revere you for that. Good job once again ma’am
Cora.
I know you won’t be able to read any of these anymore. I
just want people to know how big of a loss you are to me and that I am sad that
our sessions have ended. On the other hand I’m happy that you are past all the
pain and I find comfort in the idea of you dancing up there with a healthier body
now.
So long, Ma’am Cora.
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