I stopped being good.
You know, like, it just dawned on me one day that...that I still
have nothing to my name after finishing school.
I'd often say my skills have all gone rusty. Sigh. It is
only now that those words have ceased to hold an exaggerated meaning. It is for
real. In fact, It was painfully hard to muster what little motivation I have to
finally start writing.
I am morphing into
something unpleasant,unbecoming, un-Judy. Something drags me farther and
farther away from my self. Writing this is my way of weaving a sturdy rope I
can cling to so I won't go past the bottom. Beyond it lies nothingness that awaits
those who turn themselves in.Those who meander along boundless rivers like myself.
You see, my happy jar still has something glowing in it. In
the past, this cylindrical (figment of imagination) container used to shimmer with
pixie dusts as though some fairies have spun
in joy inside it. But as long as it's not empty I'm keeping the positivity in
the p section of my customized life dictionary.That's the spirit huh.
I still get a lot of
happy and bright days as a matter of fact. What I want is something that'll make
me wanna jump out of bed every morning. There ought to be something beautiful
on the other side of the exit sign past the dreamland.There must be.
The feeling when
you're sliding in a long dark and
twisted waterslide; You're thrilled cause there's gonna be a big bang along
with a splash at the end of it. I want something like that.I've been obsessed
with sleeping for so long nothing comes above it. (Except a few things like
going home to see my niece and having conversations with some loved ones)
I'd wake up and calculate. How much sleep do I get for this
day? When can I take nap? How long will the nap be? If I do this and that, what
should I sacrifice so as not to decrease my sleeping time? The list with
"sleep" in it goes on and on.
You see I have stopped wanting being with people,except for
family. I realized it is possible to have a kind of love like this. A terrible kind
of love people would be reluctant to take. But what can I do? I'm in an impasse
and the tiny voices in my head have thwarted whatever desire I should have to
be social...
Or to be a good friend at least.
I should have saved at least a couple of bucks by now, too. This, my bad health condition and
all sorts of "I haven't" thoughts race through my head every time I
have nothing but the patient walls with me.
I stopped being good in everything, except in overthinking which is
still bad when you think about it.
Writing 10 minute poems used to be a doddle. Now my word bank has gone
bankrupt. I can’t even think of words I need to use in vernacular. I realized
that knowledge has some sort of expiration date. “If unused, will expire on a blah
blah ” as written on goods we buy and consume.
I have nothing more to say except maybe I’m sorry for not being good.
Most especially to myself, cause I don’t feel as sorry as I should be.
So I ended up in this blog @ 2:36 in the morning while supposedly taking a 15 minute break from academic reading. But as breaks usually go when you are in the internet, "ways leads into ways" and I am reading a post written last year and finding myself nodding while thinking 'yeah i totally get that'.
ReplyDeleteI stopped being good too...all the poetry has dried up. I was never good at it I admit to myself, but being good was never the point of writing. The point is to bring something out into the world. To bring into existence something that has been only in my mind. And in the process derive joy out of doing it. That moment when the soul, heart and mind connects and acts as one to put down in paper my own truth.
I wonder...have I left nothing else to say?
I fear that I have become nothing else but grind and limited hours of sleep. Sometimes I wonder, if law school is taken away from me, who would I be? Have I committed by identity to this endeavor? I used to have definite ideas because the poems told me...but they have gone away now. And I get lost. So I grind even more because grinding makes sense. They are simple and provide the easiest of direction: Here are things to do. Do them. And when you are done, here are even more things to do.
The older I get the less certain I am of my identity. I envy the people who have found themselves and their place in the world.
I too have stopped wanting to be with people (admittedly I am not very social in the first place), but my introvertedness has taken to another level. I found myself considering if I have enough time and energy to give should a person be someone I care about. In the process I become guarded while worrying that should I let someone in, I would not do them justice because I would not be able to give them the attention they would deserve.
“If unused, will expire on a blah blah ” All my verses have expired and no delivery are coming in.
Well, ugh...I keep on hitting the backspace key because I don't really know how to start and what to say. Anyway, I am glad to hear from you. Even though, like what you said, we were never what people would call as “real” friends. I guess this is why it's comfortable speaking with you. You're like some stranger I trust. I don't even know how that sounds but I want you to know that I mean well.
DeleteI am not sure if I should feel glad someone can relate. What I know is that it feels comforting in some way. I cannot say we’re on the same page though. You have so much going on in your life where you’re in control. The confusion and emptiness are present on some days but you’re directed towards a goal. For that, I am genuinely happy for you.
But I also understand that your struggles are real and I cannot invalidate your feelings just because I think you’re doing well in everything you do.
Going back, I am also happy for all my friends succeeding and progressing. I admit though, I always feel being left behind these days. I don’t know if this is inevitable or I am just not as good as most people think.
I had this crazy idea I am miserable because I was born to be a writer. Past tense cause it’s absurd to come out from people like me who do not grind before contemplating (and complaining, yes). And just like what Raj said to Stuart: “Just because you’re starving doesn’t mean you’re an artist” It was funny as hell but boy, it struck chord.
But you know, maybe, we are more bothered with this phase because we believe we have potentials and that we can be something more. And we know that it’s important to know more about ourselves as we go on. And it can get frustrating, cause some days, we don’t even know how much we want those. Some days, nothing makes sense. Then it gets tiring.
It’s all a big, frustrating riddle not everyone would be obsessed in solving. I still don’t have a solution to this to be honest. The only good thing that comes out of this is that we know we’re meant for more.
And that, no matter what, there are people who would be there for us even if the riddle remains unanswered.
"A stranger you trust." I have never thought this thought before. I ask myself, have I ever trusted a stranger before? I mean sure we trust the bank teller to put money in our account, the jeepney driver to drive safely, the security guard in the LRT to keep the trains safe, the food vendor not to poison us and so on. But that seems to be so common I dont really thing about it. It is not a conscious decision to put my faith in someone i do not know. So this led me to think that perhaps it's not the person him/herself that I trust but rather the system that keeps our society going. The teller gotta put the money in the account because the system compels them to. Jeepney driver gotta earn because its the system of livelihood...and so on.
ReplyDeleteBut to consciously and deliberately trust a stranger as a person and not as a part of the system... I am not sure I have ever done that at least not completely. This thought makes me unsure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It is a good thing in the sense that I am on guard perhaps and not naive. But it is bad for the same reason: That i am on guard and not naive. Because being so would mean that my presumptions of people are in the negative. That my default setting is to doubt instead of giving the benefit of the doubt. I suddenly feel jaded and wrong. Perhaps I have been trained unconsciously to be this way for I am sure I would not willingly choose to be this way.
I remember last december, I was travelling home alone and I had these baggage (the literal ones) and i had to go to the bathroom because the bus was already a few hours late. But since my things were many and quite heavy I was apprehensive of leaving them unattended. I was sat with a middle aged woman who by all reason seemed to be a sweet and law abiding lady (the kind with grandchildren already). But still... it took me a long time to decide to ask her to look after my things for a few minutes while I went. Even then I hurriedly went and got back as soon as I could. I distinctly remember feeling relief when I saw that my bags were just as how I left them. I feel guilty for feeling relieved (referring about how nothing happens to my bags and not about going to the bathroom... i feel no guilt about that though). Why could I not have trusted that lady when i had no reason not to? And worst of all? I have never experienced having something stolen from me while traveling home. I now ask, how did I get to be like this?
As I ponder more about this, I went a bit wider in my scope of thinking. How do I trust my friends or close acquaintances as compared to how I trust a stranger? It surprised me that perhaps the difference is not that big. With a stranger when I do give my trust, it only extends to very specific situation, e.g. I trust you to take a look at my things in the few minutes I am gone but I dont trust you beyond that. With friends even though i am close to them, there are things that I dont share because perhaps there is this sense that they would not understand me, as in, "There are things about me that you have no idea about but I dont share them with you because you will not understand."
While it is true that these two forms of trust are different, they are the same in their structure: I trust you but only up to a certain extent. Like a small circle and a big circle. Both have different areas within, but the same shape nonetheless.
All these ideas are tending toward the dark, but while I write this I smile because it hit me that I am writing these internal musings, in a public Internet space no less, with full confidence that you will 'get it'. And even if you dont, I have full confidence that you would not think me weird nor judge harshly.
It feels peaceful to be able to write whatever thought that pops out of my head without reservation.
I guess this is how it is to trust a stranger... after a full 5 hours lecture, this is a great way to end a rather grim day.
I had a similar bus terminal experience last December. I am not too trusting but I did the opposite that time. After scanning through the faces of people for a minute, I decided to head straight to the loo even though I can still wait for my sister to come and check my bags for me.
ReplyDeleteBut there were factors to consider like you said. There were just a few passengers waiting for the bus that time and there were store owners sitting nearby.
Anyway it's amazing how your thoughts meander freely. I mean you only need to expound on ""strangers you can trust"" and you ended up with an essay. ^^ Writing can he liberating so you should write more. Write a letter, keep a journal or try poetry again.
I have ideas in mind that only comes out when I start writing. The more you discuss something,the more questions pop out of your head too. It's healthy emotionally and mentally. And you're right about how good it feels to just speak your mind out without reservations. You're welcome to share an idea and/or your musings with a small audience. You can use this space.
Or better yet, write a book.
ReplyDelete"...and she can quote The Big Bang Theory too!"
Me to myself while reading your post.
To continue using TBBT, remember when Sheldon decided to give up on String Theory because his work was not going anywhere? He decided to travel on his own and went around the US by riding trains. Of course disaster ensues and he got his suitcase robbed.
See? Even the most brilliant of people can get lost and be without direction.
It does not mean that the absense of a definite sense of direction makes one any less of a person. For me it only means that you are honest enough of a person to admit to yourself that you are meandering in life. Facebook and social media make it appear as if people are doing incedible things all the time and that they so sure of what they are doing...but I dont really but that most of the time. Perhaps most of our friends in social media are just as lost as we are its just that they chose not to dwell on it and instead bury their confussion in selfies, food picture, and humble brag. Modern day life with internet seems to move so fast that people dont take time anymore to reflect, really reflect, how they are living their lives. The new benchmark of how well people are doing seems to be how many party, vication and food pictures you can post and how many likes those posts can garner.
Perhaps I trust you, strangers as we are, because I find you to be most honest. To say that you are not good or that you are having a hard time dealing in life... I find these things you write to be a much needed respite from the hollow posts and a good dose of reality.
I need to know that being not okay IS okay. That this phase is a part of life. That I am not the only one who have these thoughts and musings. That saying 'I do not know ' on questions of life is normal.
Sure I may be in law school but in no way do i feel like I am doing great or that i have life figured out. I have classmates who are ten years younger than I and smarter too! And of course these things brought self depreciation on my part. i can be dishonest and say "Oh its nothing" and that i have never think those thoughts but I would be lying. My former classmates are now ahead of me for one year because I stopped. For sure the feeling of behing left behind was there. But then I realized that these negative feelings only come when I compare myself to others...which I should not do anymore because as cliche as it is, "everyone is different". And everyone is different, it follows that the paths we take are different too and diverging. I believe being left behind is not proper for the same would mean that we are all in the same road. Perhaps people only seem to be ahead only from the point of view of our path. Perhaps from their point of view they are meandering as well...