So long, Kiddos...

Hi there, my online journal. I’m here to tell you I’m wonderfully unhappy. I’m re-reading all my students’ letters and I feel so sad but at the same time… loved.

Tomorrow will be the last day of my one-weak streak of goodbyes to all my students. I don’t know why I got so attached; all we had are but online classes. Would you believe me if I say, they were the ones who kept me glued to my office station for two years? I mean I love my colleagues but there’s something about leaving young souls that can tear even a stone-cold heart apart.

The most cheerful students of mine cried before me and all I could manage to do was smile and assure them they’re going to have a nice teacher. I’m very worried about the kids who need to be handled with extra effort and patience. I’m worried about the kids who might go back to being their old non-speaking, shy and timid selves. I’m worried about one student who challenged me to make her smile after half a year of hiding it. I’m worried for those who have been with me since I started teaching. I’m worried about the grannies whose words sometimes are very hard to comprehend.

I am happy to have known all of them, to have spent my time every single day igniting fires in their heads and hearts. I will surely miss the daily bloopers and each and every moment, the good and the bad we all had together. It pains me to think that I had to make a decision that involves the welfare of kids but I also have faith that they’ll be fine under the wings of their new teachers who are also my friends. That the moment is what gives me comfort.

I’ve been feeling really lonely lately. I mean, how do you let go of kids? How do you move on from kids?

Pained

This is how I feel when I teach.

My throat hurts, my voice falters and the rhythm is unstable. My chest feels hefty and I can’t breathe normally, sometimes I even gasp for air.

 When I stop slouching and try to sit straight, my lower back hurts and while feeling all those things, my lower half tingles and I feel so numb but pained at the same time. 

I feel these and I tell just one kind of pain to my co-workers when asked. I always have colds (allergies) and at least two times a week, I get a whole day headache. My acidity problem has been persistent for years so I’m used to chest and stomach pain. I’m still clueless as to what kind of disease I truly have after suffering while peeing for how many years now. I went to the doctor and did tests but still could not continue because, well, I don’t earn enough to pay for all of that. 

Whenever I say I’m in pain, people are not so alarmed anymore and I don’t bother to tell them anyway. I’m sick of hearing it myself, to be honest. Every day I feel weak, walking exhausts the crap out of me. Sometimes, I think it’s because I gained weight. Perhaps true, but when I try to eat less, I feel all those pain even more although “less-eating" for me means  a little more than enough food intake for a day. Sometimes when I pray , I just ask for good health for myself. 

I am 24 years old and I feel like a 65 year old woman. I wish I have more money so I can afford consistent visits to my doctor. I wish I could afford a month of rest while on medication. I wish I could do things again to be happy. I wish I could have a second chance and a better shot in life. But I can’t start because I would need to work my arse MORE and this will just lead to a poorer health condition (again)

Sigh. Has anybody seen the life manual? I’m kind of lost in here.

I am a teacher and I am fine.

I think I will never understand how a nation, who values education, can just look down on its educators.

Each time someone asks me what I do for a living, I give them “I’m an English instructor” as a reply. To which they respond” Ah, teacher” and drops off the topic right away, casually. At first it still got me perplexed. Later on I realized what this profession’s like in the eyes of most Filipinos nowadays: Pathetic.

I don’t know how to describe the feeling exactly. So I’ll just borrow my friend’s exact words when she, too, was asked about her bread and butter:

 

”PARA. AKONG. PROSTITUTE.” 

Too much, you say? Well, to a lot of people, that is our estimation. I don’t even have to write this, most parents are not pleased to hear “teacher” when their kids are asked about their ambition. I understand where they’re coming from. What I don’t understand is how being an educator sank down to a sea-bottom level in the eyes of both the believers and non-believers of edification. How bad is our calling, really?

There are those times when people try, to be uh… a little nicer? So when I tell them about my craft they go “ Why don’t you apply to this or to that blah blah blah as if to save me from a wretched situation. I appreciate the concern if they meant well, but honestly, there’s no need for that proposition. Like really, that’s an unnecessary comment.

 In other countries, teachers are highly regarded . They are revered and greatly appreciated. I understand that respect is earned so we can’t just ask people to look up on us. Maybe, I don’t even ask for recognition, honor or gratitude. But perhaps, you should stop feeling bad for us and making us feel like pathetic heroes or something. We are not. Teaching is a highly rewarding job. Perhaps not always (never?) monetary recompensing but we get something more from it not everyone can understand. If ever we are suffering, it’s part of our job just like all other professions. 

Once, I had this conversation with my Korean student. He told me about the situation of educators in his country when I shared my observation about how lots of (Korean) kids dream of being teachers when they grow up. He quipped “Of course, teachers are highly respected (there).” Apparently, students see the former’s values in being in-charge of the dissemination of knowledge that they are. He even added that they get paid handsomely because their job is deemed as something of very high value. 

Your move, Philippines. Can you also say the same for your educators? I am not trying to mock you. Feel free to take this as a challenge.

I get it though. I get that the government can only do so much for us so we will suck it all up until we can. But the people, YOU guys can do as a favor. Please please, stop looking down on us, your educators. We don’t ask that you put us up the pedestal; but I ask that you stop making us feel "Para. Akong, Prostitute.” time and again.

This has got to stop. Seriously.

Times of your life

Good morning, yesterday
You wake up and time has slipped away
And suddenly it's hard to find
The memories you left behind
Remember, do you remember

The laughter and the tears
The shadows of misty yesteryears
The good times and the bad you've seen
And all the others in between
Remember, do you remember
The times of your life (do you remember)

Reach back for the joy and the sorrow
Put them away in your mind
The mem'ries are time that you borrow
To spend when you get to tomorrow

Here comes the saddest part (comes the saddest part)
The seasons are passing one by one
So gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
Remember, will you remember
The times of your life

Gather moments while you may
Collect the dreams you dream today
Remember, will you remember
The times of your life
Of your life
Of your life

Do you remember, baby
Do you remember the times of your life
Do you remember, baby
Do you remember the times of your life

One day you will wake up to find that:  Life is, after all, the fastest runner of them all. It’s either someone has just tied the knot, or someone has just perished the other night. News like those two are rampant these days as if to remind us how old we’re getting each nap we take. Each time something strikes a chord, I can’t help but hear this Paul Anka’s masterpiece in my head. Not that it helps me feel better or something to that effect, honestly. I am just amazed by how Anka’s voice bequeathed life to the words of Bill Lane and Roger Nichols in such an exceptionally beautiful way. After all... like this song, life is so beautiful.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VCnlU-92sn4

Love lesson no. 1

When you experience love out of blood- bond, you also understand love beyond close bonds. This, of a thousand other beautiful things, is what I learned from loving someone.

You finally understand how love works, what love is. You‘ve known it long before you learned to match Barbie doll with Ken. You’ve always known you love your parents, your siblings; in spite of the constant banter over the pettiest of things. You know it without asking, you take it without asking. 

However, someday, one day… you will reach a point where you will choose someone out of blood bond. From one person alone you will understand how love works for different people; this is what I meant when I said you would understand love beyond close bonds. 

I experienced this one time when I was casually going over my Facebook account. I stumbled upon a post about an old college friend. Her boyfriend of almost five years just passed away. For a moment, I thought the world stopped and moving was not one of my options. I didn’t personally know the guy but I felt a different kind of sadness and for a time I thought sorrow was a better term. I felt heartbroken. Not because I loved the guy but perhaps I loved the girl and I admired their relationship. His passing mattered to me in ways perhaps I wouldn’t understand had I not been in a real relationship too. 

I started asking, what now? What will become of her? What will it be like from here? How would she survive the long nights? How will she bear being alone with her thoughts? How? How? How? The question kept pouring like a raging rain on a stormy day. I was greatly troubled because I understood how it is to love with all you are and all you have and I can only imagine the anguish and the sorrow that dried the plants in her castle of joy. I was not part of the relationship but I feel a certain connection.

It goes the same with couples who still end up being together in spite of the different forces that work against them. Sometimes, you can’t help but feel so inspired when you see them. Everyone can easily say, “Okay, let’s stop here.” and go on with their lives in search of someone better. But there are couples who surf with the waves instead of running away from them. Seeing them fills other people’s hearts with gladness as if the success were their very own. (Strong) Love does wonders like that. 

Have you experienced something like this, too? Even the songs you listened to as a child are all too different once you get bitten by a strong love bug. How you see the world is totally different. A strong love pours out from two individuals and touches things outside the plane. 

I don’t want to look at love as if it’s something magical because there’s so much more to it. But I have to admit, it truly is in so many ways, in so many beautiful ways.